Patriot Movie Night!
by Shadowfang3000
Summary: The Patriots have been working hard to get their organisation going, so Para-Medic decides to start a series of movie nights for the team! But with an insanely evil Para-Medic, a cowardly Big Boss and a Stereotypical Zero, Insanity ensues!


Patriot Movie Night!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or films watched in this fan fiction, they belong to Hideo Kojima and their respective creators

Warning: This story is probably full of plot holes, British Stereotypes (I'm an Englishman to inform you .) and spelling errors. It also may have hints of BigBossXOcelot, since I DO ship them :P

Extra Note: This is set around the time Zero was making the Patriots. Its most likely wrong to the timeline, so if you're an extreme timeline theorist, don't laugh at the fail X_X

Chapter 1: A New Hope...

Major Zero, the aged SAS veteran was sitting at his desk, under a pile of paperwork.

"Switch Rations to Choco Dessert... Check... Promote Pvt. Sasaki to Admiral... Check..." Zero distantly wrote, tired, stressed and powered by Coffee and Tea. There was a sudden knock on the door.

"Major? It's me." Para-Medic calmly called before opening the door. Zero mumbled in a strange language, before falling into his Tea.

"Are you okay Sir?" Para asked, pacing towards the desk. Zero gurgled in his cup, before Para picked his head up and saved him from drowning.

"More paper-work, Major." Para held Zero's head barely above his cup, as he licked the Tea off his wrinkled lips.

"Fine, what is it?" Para grinned evilly, holding the papers up. Zero put his face right up to it, having trouble focusing on it.

"Every May, Mover Flight?" Para growled, clenching a pen behind her back.

"Every Day, Movie Night, David." Para angrily muttered her Majors real name. Zero glared at her, eyebrow raised.

"Why do we need that?" Para literally smashed Zero's face down onto his desk, turning and pointing into the air.

"We need to have breaks, David! To be at your optimum performance you must have as little stress as possible! You, Big Boss, EVA, Sigint, Ocelot and I, all watching a good film in the Theatre would be a brilliant break from it all!"

"Uhh... What if we hate the movie?" Zero dared to ask, Para turned in a roar.

"THEN I'LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND FEED IT TO BIG BOSS!" Zero flew out of his chair and landed into his 007 Championship edition Door Bookcase, which spun around rapidly.

".?" Zero troubled to say as he spun.

"He's a cannibal, BB's eaten human before. And don't make me set EVA out at you too, she's half-bear!" Zero shuddered at this comment.

"OK.I'...PLEASE." Para held her hand over the stop button under his desk.

"Be an Englishman David." Para took advantage of the situation, pulling out a recorder

"!" Zero heard the sound of Para *Headdesking* in pure amusement, before pressing the button. Zero strolled out in a surprisingly stable fashion, and seemed refreshed.

"Okay, where's the paper?" He asked, Para handed it and he scribbled his signature, along with a small vomit mark from his thumb.

"Thanks' sir! It's at 9PM, see you there!" She skipped away childishly, before Zero collapsed.

**.:9PM, Same day, Vue Cinema:.**

"So, what's on?" Boss growled as he repositioned his eye patch.

"How about Drac-" Para-medic began to state the famous Vampires name, before Big Boss leaped to her feet and kissed her shoes.

"PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Para grinned, she wanted to save the best for the last chapter of course.

"Night of the Lepus?" Ocelot asked, spinning a toy revolver, Big Boss began kissing his cowboy boots.

"THATS TOO SCARY!" Sigint looked at a poster.

"Aha! Something family like... Star Wars!" Big Boss started to crawl to Sigint in tears, but Para just booted him in the gut.

"Let's go! PARTY!" Para referenced an anime that would be created about 40 years in the future, as the crowd stared at her.

The Team entered the long line into the theatre. Ocelot held a crying BB bridal fashion, rocking him like a mother as BB started to suck his thumb and fell asleep. Zero and Sigint had left to get some Pick-and-Mix, Para went for some popcorn and EVA was having a go at seducing the teenagers in front of them in hopes of getting further forward in the queue.

"I love you Kitty Cat... Mew Mew." Big Boss childishly and cutely mumbled as he snore, Ocelot glared left and right as he blushed.

"No cats here, he must mean me!" Ocelot grinned evilly.

"My greatest rival's now in love with me? It's an honour!" Ocelot accidently dropped Boss onto the floor, and saluted him.

**.:Snack Bar, 9:05PM:.**

Sigint was quickly shovelling gummy bears into his Pick-and-Mix container, Zero stood behind him in annoyance.

"... What's wrong, chief?" Sigint asked, as Zero turned his back.

"Americans and their sweets, where's the effort?" Zero suddenly pulled a dead fox out from nowhere and hanged on his shoulder.

"A hint for you Sigint, go hunting from time to time!" Zero grinned, as the fox occasionally twitched (As well as Sigint's face). A Security guard named Derek suddenly grabbed hold of him, and motioned at the fox.

"You do realise I'll have to confiscate that?" Zero innocently hugged the dead fox, before the guard dragged him off by the collar.

**.:9:07, Popcorn stand:.**

"That'll cost £7.95." The Cashier said extremely depressingly, bags under his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Para asked, handing the money over.

"My life's miserable." He said in the same depressing voice, Para leaned on the counter

"I'm a Therapist, I can help." He perked up slightly

"Really?" Para grinned, holding out a hand.

"It'll cost £7.96" The Cashier smiled, and handed the money over.

"SUCKER! I'm now 1p richer!" Para ran off evilly, as the Cashier cried.

He had just been owned by a minor character...

**.:9:08, the line:.**

EVA had since dug her way through over 10 groups, and was now around 35 spaces ahead of where she started. She was now up against her greatest challenge yet: A Chav.

"Oh, hey there, big daddy..." She said seductively, beginning her trademark unzipping-Boobage technique, the acne covered Chav twirled round.

"YEOW! Datz SICK bruv'! Yo givin meh action!" He began a pelvis thrust as he chewed his gum.

"You're the snake, tempt me Master!" she smiled, the Chav clapped before pulling her close. Eva kept as far away from his grease filled face.

"A snog 'fore da shag, eh?" EVA gritted her teeth.

"_For the team_" She thought to herself, before nodding

The small time criminal kissed her, spitting his drool cover gum down her throat, and spreading grease all over her face. The queue suddenly began entering the theatre, and she was dropped like a rag doll.

"ALL THAT FOR NOTHING!" She cried, as Ocelot and Big Boss shone a light on her face, making the grease grill her tears.

"Come on, guys, the theatres open!" Para-Medic walked towards them, popcorn in hand. Sigint also came a second later, along with Zero, who happened to be wearing glasses and a fake moustache.

"Major? Is that you?" Big Boss questioned, before getting a Super Mega Ultra Sexy Championship Edition 64 DS SAS British Slap, sending him flying through the theatre doors an into his seat.

"Call me... Major Tom" He whispered, glancing back at Derek, who was oblivious to the disguise.

**.:9:12, Theatre B, front row:.**

The team all made a bad move, and chose front seats. They all had their necks at a 180° angle, and Ocelot clenched his toy revolver in anger.

"Whose bloody idea was this?" EVA glared at him

"Shhh! The films starting!" Ocelot started spinning his pistol.

"Pfft, ads." EVA forced a smile.

"They won't be that long!" a voice suddenly boomed

"YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A CAR! YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A HANDBAG! YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A BABY! YOU WOULDN'T SHOOT A POLICEMAN! YOU WOULDN'T GO TO THE TOILET IN THE POLICMANS HELMET, THEN SEND IT BACK TO HIS GREIVING WIDOW! AND THEN STEAL IT AGAIN! PIRATING FILMS IS ILLEGAL! DO IT, AND YOU WILL FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!" A clip of a FBI member firing at the back of a random woman's head appeared, before she fell dead onto her desk.

"We're all gonna die..." Sigint whispered.

**.:11:00PM, Theatre B, front row:.**

Big Boss was sleeping on Ocelots lap, curled up adorably. Everyone else were using pegs to keep their eyes open, which was working. The THX sound suddenly went up, scaring BB awake.

"IT HAS BEGUN!" Raiden suddenly appeared from his Snake Eraser time warp, along with Rayden and Shao Khan from Mortal Kombat.

"... Sorry, wrong timeline." They disappeared, and the title scroll came up, followed by a battle between some plastic men and British Policemen.

"Hiding in a small gap in the wall? What the hell? Put on black camo and lay on the ground, and really? You're not even shouldering your rifles! Get some CQC in there! Aww, what the hell are you doing! Don't run away, face them head on!" Big Boss criticised the Rebel soldiers, before a large black clad man walked in, followed by menacing music.

"JEBUS KRUST!" Big Boss quite literally flew out of his seat, appearing in front of the screen as a silhouette and screwing over all pirate filmers business. The Rebels had lost and were being escorted away by the Stormtroopers.

"Do some gun twirling action and ricochet some shots off the wall, idiots!" Ocelot also criticised, Big Boss grinned.

"That, my friend. I salute" Ocelot blushed at this comment, as Darth Vader strangled Captain Antilles on screen (What a romantic scene for the 2).

Meanwhile, some princess woman puts a disc into a Rubbish Bin on wheels. He and a golden robot hop into an escape pod as the princess stays, only to get knocked out.

"COWARDS! TRAITORS!" Zero shouted, shaking his fox-kebab into the air angrily. Para sedated him and he fell onto the sticky popcorn covered floor, his kebab lying in fluff.

The robots split up, obviously due to sexual tension, but are captured by Oompa Loompas. They are then sold to some old guy and his nephew, Luke GroundRunner. He gets acquainted with the robots, and finds the message in the bin, talking about someone called "Oh, be a sport". The bin runs off, and Luke goes with Goldie and finds him.

"Aww, Goldie forgave his husband! Now THAT'S adorable!" EVA smiled, before some robed dudes with sticks attack Luke and Goldie, but some silhouette scares them off, as well as Boss.

"SONOVA!" BB rolled out of his seat and joined Zero in his fluff pile.

The silhouette turns out to be an old man rapist, which is fine by the young, attractive, Luke. They go to his house, and watch the message, before the rapist reveals himself as Oh, be a sport. Luke journeys home and finds his annoying uncle and aunt killed to death!(Not a spelling error :P) Luke epically agrees to join Sport on his quest, and they go to Moss-Eyes Lee. Where they meet Ham Lol Oh and Chewin' Gum. Ham, being an awesome cowboy like guy, joins them with Gum for a large sum of money, and they leave in his ship.

"Th-" Para began to comment, but someone behind them threw a chunk of popcorn at them

"STOP TALKING! You're ruining the movie!" Para pulled the popcorn out of her hair, before throwing it into the protesters eye and clobbering him with a random shovel.

The ship continued to journey in space, and Sport explains about the "Sauce" a magical power that can be used by the "Breadeye" and the "Meth". The ship suddenly runs into an asteroid field, which was actually caused from a planet that the Darth Vader bloke destroyed with his "Kill Moon". The ship is caught in a tractor beam and is sucked into the Moon itself.

"PATHETIC AMERICAN DOGS!" Ocelot jumped out of his seat, disgusted that they didn't escape.

Ham and Luke get in disguise, and arrive in a control room with Sport, Gum and the robots. They hide the bots and discover where Leia is, before making a plan to escape with her.

"What? There's no Nukes involved? Not even a few grenades?" Ocelot continued his rant, as another popcorn chunk was sent into his head, he turned around, and clicked the trigger from his fake pistol, forgetting it was a toy. The perpetrator was a young 5 year old, who giggled at Ocelots fail.

"Why, you..." Ocelot suddenly tackled the child to the ground, before being thrown back to the fluff with Zero and BB, the child was victorious.

Sport leaves to turn off the power source for the beam, while Ham and Luke pretend that Gum is a prisoner, get into the prison bay and break Leia out. But the plastic men find them, and trap them in the bay. Leia proves to be a bad ass, and gets them out through a garbage chute. The walls close in, it's a compactor! But the bin proves useful, and saves them. Sport finds, and begins a fight against the lord of all drugs, the Meth Lord himself: Vader. Luke and the gang run off back to where the ship is parked, and make a run for it. But Luke spots Sport, who lets Vader kill him.

"THAT PACIFIST DO-" Ocelot awoke, but Sigint pushed his head back down with his shoe.

Ham flies off with the team on tow, and flies to the Rebels base on "Alvin's four today!" where an attack on the Kill Moon is assembled, in which Luke joins on a XXX-Wing. It begins, but the team can't hit it's, EXTREMELY vulnerable weak point that they forgot to put a piece of plastic over. Vader comes in a Thai-Fighter, and attacks Luke from behind as he flies to the weak point, but Ham saves the day, taking Vader out and sending him spiralling out of control.

"Oh COMEON! That's a terrible fault in design! Who made this Kill Moo-" Sigint was also tackled by Para-Medic, joining the fluff pile.

Luke destroys the Moon, and flies back to Alvin, where he and Ham get medals for their awesome achievement, until Ham notices.

"... The Empire rules over the whole galaxy, that didn't help much..."

EVA stood up, stretching as the credits rolled.

"That was a pretty good film! Still, don't think it'll be that famous in 40 years or so..." She stood on the pile consisting of Zero, Big Boss, Ocelot, Sigint and Para-Medic, oblivious to their existence, and left the cinema.

(A/N): Having no internet for the entire day makes you do insane things. Anyway, I might continue this if it gets any attention :P


End file.
